Austin Improv

I won't respond (not being one), but am rather curious to see what responses the flip side of the "I'm such a man..." post gets.

... know the exact location of every food item in an HEB.

... can cook Thirty Minute Brownies in 10 minutes flat.

... once created an award-winning four-course meal using only a can of Sterno and a toaster oven.

... can sweat in twelve floral scents ranging from Almond to Zinnia.

... can woo men with my sensuous and provocative trombone playing.

... still receive fan mail from jilted suitors.

... can hurl a compressed powder compact at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

... once single-handedly defended a small Amazonian orphanage from a horde of ferocious army ants, using only a garden hoe and a urine sample.

...am bad at math and science.

...have been notified that the atomic clock is set to my menstrual cycle.


...was on my highschool football team.


...enjoy kathy rose center bits so much they make me laff.

...I fucked my own father!!!

Kathy Rose Center wrote:... can sweat in twelve floral scents ranging from Almond to Zinnia.

Can you do night-blooming jasmine?

mpbrockman wrote:

Kathy Rose Center wrote:... can sweat in twelve floral scents ranging from Almond to Zinnia.

Can you do night-blooming jasmine?

Yes, when engaged in Tantric sex.

Kathy Rose Center wrote: ... once created an award-winning four-course meal using only a can of Sterno and a toaster oven.

My sister baked a cake on a propane coleman camping stove once. That was while she was living in the woods building her own house. No joke - http://www.lauraashe.com/may/laura.html

I'm such a woman that I...

...give people around me an estrogen contact high.

...make grown men cry when I pass them on a bicycle.

...can cross stitch battling, bloody dragons.

...am mistress of flavors, lady of scents, duchess of delicious... a general goddess of gastronomy... over fire and in the kitchen. And I take the time in between stirring to kick some serious ass in Fallout 3.

...can multitask until it hurts (you).

...have bested numerous "personal massagers".

...could easily withstand the pain of an elephant trampling my midsection (cause I do it every month, anyway).

...have trained my breasts to do tricks.

...can pack a car within an inch of its life and still be able to tell you where everything in it is.

TexasImprovMassacre wrote:...enjoy kathy rose center bits so much they make me laff.

Thank you, Cody. I'm also such a woman that I ...

... can crush grapes with a withering glance.

... translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.

... advise Martha Stewart on the best floral designs for mortifying occasions.

... provide biofeedback training for bears trying to sh*t in the woods.

... use cats as oven mitts. And they love it.

... designed a full line of boutique dental floss.

... wax my armpits with used chewing gum - preferably, Double Bubble.

... transcribed Le Nozze di Figaro into a bluegrass opera for twelve kazoos and a saw.

... designed a Kegel exerciser for Scottish ewes.

... can make any man feel like a throbbing volcano of Steve McQueen's primordial essence. (See: night-blooming jasmine)

... recycle Kleenex tissues, unless they contain primordial essence, in which case they are used to make paper mache chastity belts for nuns who are fooling themselves.

I am such a woman that...

I have prehensile breasts

I have the eerie ability of knowing how to make a roomful of guys uncomfortable (think "sloughing")

I get up and go on with my day even when there's an electric mixer going in my abdomen

I once made a troop of marines faint by blowing a kiss

...have the ability to expel both blood and new life from the same hole.

...am in the majority gender participating in the arts world, and in the minority gender represented in museums.
...am in the majority gender participating in the theater arts world, and in the minority gender in repertory companies.
...am a minority in the improv and comedy world.
...am not thought of as a threat.
...follow tradition even when I feel it may be wrong, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
...fear aging.
...cover my flaws as best I am able.
...settle, because it's the easiest thing to do.

... wear 4-inch heels to the laundromat

... chew gum when I come

... no hair anywhere except on my head

-can transition easily from talking to my grandmother to cussing a blue streak

-once brought a starving man in the dustbowl back to life with my breastmilk

-was actually responsible for the Great Chicago fire

-wear sexy lingerie to bed for me