Turns out I don't have to pay taxes, and although I'm less than $2000 over the poverty line, that's good news because it means my hands are, for the third consecutive year, unbloodied when it comes to the Iraq war.
Additionally, I might be eligible for food stamps.
I don't have to pay taxes! Yay for poverty!
Everything else, basically.
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- Brian Boyko Offline
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- Brian Boyko Offline
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Because pain is funny.
Unless this is not funny, and years of painful humiliation from peers and guilt trips from parents in my childhood have rendered me incapable of telling the difference between ironic misfortune (hilarious!) and plain ol' shit when it happens to me.
Sometimes you have to laugh at what happens to you. Even if it's not funny at all. Otherwise you'd just feel sorry for yourself.
What I do, is instead of feeling sorry for myself, is that I set up this big straw man. I compartmentalize. Everything that's good in my life happens to me and everything that's bad in my life happens to "Brian Boyko," a character put on Earth merely for amusement. The court jester, if you will, a homonuculous, a voodoo doll, meant to absorb all the rotten things going on in my life and externalise them. In a sense, when I act self-deprecating, I'm not really doing so with the idea that "I'm" a horrible wretch of a human being. "Brian Boyko" is a horrible wretch of a human being and because he is a character in a play, one can poke fun at him with impunity. He's my own strawman and scapegoat, my whipping boy, my punching bag.
I didn't create "Brian Boyko" - blame that on the troglodytes I had to deal with in school. "They don't really hate you," it was once explained to me. "They just need to create this false picture of you in their heads so that they can feel better about themselves."
In turn, I've taken that, creating a false picture of myself in my head so that I can feel better about myself. In other words, I self-deprecate in order to retain my self-esteem. When things in my life start to go better (and they probably will soon although I can't tell you -why- yet) the "jokes " will decrease, and I will have no more need for "Boyko" the whipping boy.
Oh, what a glorious transformation will take place at that time. I will be peppier, more alert, more aware of my surroundings. I will be able to take in the vivid colors of the world instead of traipsing through in muted greys. I will be self-confident and the jokes will stop unless it's on a stage. I will be more open with my friends, and more sociable at parties. I will drink more and think less, but when I do think it will be profound. I will pay more attention to the world around me and be less absorbed in my own problems - in other words, I'll actually start listening to people.
I can honestly be a happier person and I think it's a shame that in the while I've hung out with the Collective crowd, I have been perpetually destitute, lonely, and stressed. The "Boyko" you know is a turtle with a very thick protective shell and I have not yet come out of hiding.
Trust me. It's worth waiting for. In the meantime, I'll continue to turtle behind my little defense mechanisms and someday, I'll be able to enjoy life to the fullest.
But right now, I'm not in a good place to do that.
Unless this is not funny, and years of painful humiliation from peers and guilt trips from parents in my childhood have rendered me incapable of telling the difference between ironic misfortune (hilarious!) and plain ol' shit when it happens to me.
Sometimes you have to laugh at what happens to you. Even if it's not funny at all. Otherwise you'd just feel sorry for yourself.
What I do, is instead of feeling sorry for myself, is that I set up this big straw man. I compartmentalize. Everything that's good in my life happens to me and everything that's bad in my life happens to "Brian Boyko," a character put on Earth merely for amusement. The court jester, if you will, a homonuculous, a voodoo doll, meant to absorb all the rotten things going on in my life and externalise them. In a sense, when I act self-deprecating, I'm not really doing so with the idea that "I'm" a horrible wretch of a human being. "Brian Boyko" is a horrible wretch of a human being and because he is a character in a play, one can poke fun at him with impunity. He's my own strawman and scapegoat, my whipping boy, my punching bag.
I didn't create "Brian Boyko" - blame that on the troglodytes I had to deal with in school. "They don't really hate you," it was once explained to me. "They just need to create this false picture of you in their heads so that they can feel better about themselves."
In turn, I've taken that, creating a false picture of myself in my head so that I can feel better about myself. In other words, I self-deprecate in order to retain my self-esteem. When things in my life start to go better (and they probably will soon although I can't tell you -why- yet) the "jokes " will decrease, and I will have no more need for "Boyko" the whipping boy.
Oh, what a glorious transformation will take place at that time. I will be peppier, more alert, more aware of my surroundings. I will be able to take in the vivid colors of the world instead of traipsing through in muted greys. I will be self-confident and the jokes will stop unless it's on a stage. I will be more open with my friends, and more sociable at parties. I will drink more and think less, but when I do think it will be profound. I will pay more attention to the world around me and be less absorbed in my own problems - in other words, I'll actually start listening to people.
I can honestly be a happier person and I think it's a shame that in the while I've hung out with the Collective crowd, I have been perpetually destitute, lonely, and stressed. The "Boyko" you know is a turtle with a very thick protective shell and I have not yet come out of hiding.
Trust me. It's worth waiting for. In the meantime, I'll continue to turtle behind my little defense mechanisms and someday, I'll be able to enjoy life to the fullest.
But right now, I'm not in a good place to do that.
Last edited by Brian Boyko on April 14th, 2006, 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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- Evilpandabear Offline
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- Evilpandabear Offline
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There's a misconception of the "perfect time" to act or start any new project. The best time to do those things is *now.* Why waste more years or months of waiting for things to change, when you could start living your life to the fullest *now.* Trust me, you'll look back and think to yourself, "Man, I wasted all those years of life waiting to make this change, when the change itself, wasn't that hard. If only I had done this sooner." Yes, goddammit, this is from a high horse. This is from personal experience Boyko. Life can be extremely short, don't wait for an opportunity; make one happen yourself.
"Anyone can teach improv. It's bullshit." -Andy Crouch on June 4th 11:33pm CST
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- Brian Boyko Offline
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