Austin Improv

I'll kick this off with a little Blue Elvis.

Nice Astronaut After Midnight Show, Jan. 8

Becca and Josh were both dressed as Elvis and their Elvises were improvising a scene as astronauts so imagine them using Elvis accents and wearing jumpsuits.

Becca: I like to drink milk.
Josh: I like to dick.

Josh: If you stick your dick in warm milk it goes to sleep.
Becca: What if you stick it in chocolate milk?
Josh: Chocolate dick.

Karen DeWitt's line from Austin Secrets last night. The secret was about someone's child who had died.


Kristin: You can be a mom again.
Karen: I AM a mom.

Mateo Giles line from last night’s Shades of Brown Cagematch performance. The show was a ‎telenovela inspired format.‎


Mateo Giles: My love, use your penguin powers for healing.‎


My character was going in to stab Mateo's character for breaking my sisters heart when Adan ‎Gutierrez’s character goes in to save Mateo and ends up getting stabbed…‎
Mateo looks to his love interest, who is a penguin played by Monica Torres, and says…"My love, use ‎your penquin powers for healing.”‎
Monica waddles around Adan while flapping her wings for healing powers and Adan awakens. The audience went nuts.‎

"Would you like some M&Ms, Your Eminence?"
- Kyle Traughber, The Dukes of Bedside Manor, 1/9/11

Kareem's entire Greek general monologue from last night's Maestro!

"Some people are gay and love rainbows. Some people hate rainbows, and are gay, and, you know, have to deal with the rainbow anyway."
- Jessica Arjet, Firth & Arjet, 1/28/11

Shana: "What do we do, Squid Boy?"
Ruby: "You're the superhero. You figure it out."

-superhero Twin Pillars scene, Maestro 1/29/11

from the same show...

Marc: "All right, we can only keep two players. Who will it be?"
Halyn: "Me."
Patrick: "Me."
Marc: "All right, that was easy. You other two, get off my stage."

"These lamb chops are good, dad."
"Can't you just taste the cuteness?"

-Ruby Willmann and Ashley Acheson in level 3 class

i don't CARE if it was in class, that's STILL one of the best lines i've heard in a while!

Audrey Sansom and Sean Hill pull up to a pasture for a second date:

Audrey: "So... are we 'shrooming or cow-tipping?"

-Valentine's Day show Hideout 02.14

(Almost as funny, I come home to my Texas-raised girlfriend and repeat this line to her and she says "Well, that's what I would think".)

"It's Jesus Christ in wolf's clothing!" - Christopher Allen

in a scene during nightmare video project. The wolf (Jericho) knocked at the door pretending to be a Jehovah's Witness.

"Pretty ladies, wheel out the shit!"
- Kaci Beeler as Bob Barker on The Price Is Right, Maestro 2/19/11.

Movie Night: "Hard to Kill"

A hitman is posing as a doctor, and Jastroch is coming up with all these lines as the creepy German "doktor"

"I need a zilenzer for my scalpel, ja?"
"I need to inject ze patient... with a dose of... peni-killin... *creepy laugh*"

Jon Clinkenbeard: "I've got some advice. Go on a date with me."
Audrey Sansom: "That's not advice."
Jon Clinkenbeard: "Sure it is, if you know what's good for ya."

Marc Majcher: "Get me a drink."
Kaci Beeler: "I want my money."
Marc Majcher: "I want my whiskey."

-Violet Underbelly, 3/5/11

Also from Violet Underbelly, 3/5/11

Context: Marc is getting rid of a pie.

Kaci: Feed it to your goons. They'll eat anything.
Marc: Yeah they will. *Accusing look*

This wasn't a line but it stole the scene last night in Violet Underbelly:

Roy played Bobby the Balloon Boy, and was delivering a balloon to Marc's character late in the show. Kaci wound up knocking the balloon out of his hand. Roy watched the balloon go up to the ceiling, then spent the rest of his time in the scene jumping up to try to grab on to the balloon's string. I couldn't stop laughing.

Jay had just gotten some money out of a safe to pay Jon's character:

Jon: That was good, I didn't hear a thing.

Jay: It's a quiet safe.