Austin Improv

hey everyone! my name's Jordan, and i just moved here from Los Angeles! i did a little bit of improv there with a couple of different groups, so i'm really looking forward to getting my toes wet in a different scene. i'm not currently taking classes anywhere, but i look forward to meeting a lot of you. i knew Mike D'Alonzo in L.A. and he talked this city up SOOOO much! okay, well, hope to see you around...!

(god, i'm so nervous. i hope that didn't come across as lame and dorky or anything. oops, i forgot! no apologies...sorry...DAMN! sorry...)

Hi Jordan,

While we appreciate your enthusiasm and improv experience, I'm afraid the Austin improv community is not accepting any new applicants at this time. We're just stuffed to the gills with people who move here thinking that our wonderful community needs more carpetbaggers. You may have heard that we are a warm and welcoming community and, until recently, this was indeed true. However, just this past Sunday we passed a resolution disallowing any more foreigners from invading our fertile improv soil.

Thanks and good luck.

Also, sign up for Maestro!

Jordan,

Kareem's being nice & polite (isn't he always?). What I think he really means, though, is this: we've heard you're a real d*ck. A hard-to-work-with stage hog with bad breath and worse manners. Plus you have the stink of L.A. on you. That you're into bizarre religious rituals doesn't help matters either.

So while Austin remains indeed "fertile improv soil" I think what we're trying to say is this:



Welcome back, buddy!

Praise Improv! I'm hoping we get to play together, Rev. Maxwell.

Fuck you. Go back. No one likes you here... you make us all sick...

You think this is a game?
You're too talented to perform here, end of story.

Quit wasting our time.
Get the fuck out of here.

Bad news, friend.
It's not gonna happen.

Sorry if there was a misunderstanding.
It's not the end of the world.

Just... go away.

Go.

You're trespassing
and I will have to call the police.

Don't you look at me!

Roy and Kareem- We are gonna have to punch him Harry and the Henedersons-style...

I'm glad you're back Jordan. Now quit trying to upstage me. You just got here!!

oh...i'm not...? i shouldn't be...?

OH! is this a "bit"? i've heard of this! that improvizers do little "bits" that aren't true and make them very difficult to talk to! i'm so excited...um, what am i supposed to do as the bitee? ooh, i know! we'd just started working on "status" in my improv classes in L.A. (i remember because i made a Facebook joke and the whole class laughed. i didn't say anything else the rest of the night.). so since you've all clearly taken high status roles...ahem...

yesh, milord! i live to obey! le' me jus' kneel on a' ground heah an' let ya use mah back as a footstool!

(hold on, give me a second to get down, i have bad knees...)

Not only is my response a bit, but I just lifted it wholesale from an online Fight Club script.

I can't wait to kick you in the nuts... and have you on the podcast... and perform with you again... and kiss you on the mouth...

Great! Will you be holding a rally?

Guys, this is obviously a hoax. No one escapes L.A. Besides, "Jordan" isn't even a boy's name. Way to fall for it.

monkeyangst wrote: No one escapes L.A.

Except Snake Pliskin.

monkeyangst wrote:Besides, "Jordan" isn't even a boy's name.

And as I've said all along "Jordan T. Maxwell" is obviously a pseudonym/stage name/alias. What do we really know about this guy? I think he's running from the law myself.

Or maybe he's a Super-Spy - in which case that would be cool.

the_reverend wrote:...le' me jus' kneel on a' ground heah an' let ya use mah back as a footstool!

But racist jokes? Please... passe, dude. Or is manservant one of your Super-Spy guises?

mpbrockman wrote:

monkeyangst wrote: No one escapes L.A.

Except Snake Pliskin.

i'd rather escape New York...

mpbrockman wrote:
And as I've said all along "Jordan T. Maxwell" is obviously a pseudonym/stage name/alias. What do we really know about this guy? I think he's running from the law myself.

i don't run from anything except zombies. and even then i prefer a brisk jog...

mpbrockman wrote:
Or maybe he's a Super-Spy - in which case that would be cool.

"Super" is a bit excessive.

mpbrockman wrote:
But racist jokes? Please... passe, dude. Or is manservant one of your Super-Spy guises?

is Cockney a race? i had no idea...