Austin Improv

Maestro- July 4 2009

Boy (Erik Collins) to his grandmother (Pat Daniels):
"Tell me how you and grandpa met."

Grandmother:
"It was at a swimming hole like this and there were crawdads pinching and crawdads poking and I didn't know which was the crawdads and which was your grandfather".


Kristin Firth and Eric Heiberg as squabbling siblings, trying to one-up each other.
Kristin: "I bled somewhere in your house".


Asaf Ronen and Kristin Firth switch eyeballs.
Asaf: "Now I see why you don't like me".

Munga wrote:Grandmother:
"It was at a swimming hole like this and there were crawdads pinching and crawdads poking and I didn't know which was the crawdads and which was your grandfather".

Actually, he said "I didn't know which was the crawdads and which was your granddad." which made it all the more amusing. Very clever, Pat.

The Confidence Men show last night. In it's entirety.

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I could be outside at the pool or Town Lake but instead I am cleaning my apartment. And I came across a bunch of crumpled up bits of paper with quotes from various shows at The Hideout.

Andy Crouch, This Week Tonight, May 29:
"I can't live in a world in which Will Smith is a Scientologist".

After School Improv, 40-hr Marathon:

Roy to Jon, teenagers:
"You don't breathe right. Scram!"

Roy to Caitlin:
"You got a lot of zits on your face. You're a fixer-upper".


This Week Tonight, July 3:

Audrey: "You'll have to go into hiding"
Kaci: "Or kill yourself"
Troy: "I think hiding is the better option"

Troy and Curtis, in 1959:
Troy: "I drank a lot when I was pregnant".
Curtis: "That's acceptable behavior considering all that we know".

Maestro.
Dario was hitting on a girl in church. Troy was a crucified Jesus on the wall behind him. Dario said something offensive to the girl and Troy starts coming off the wall.
Dario: "Would you quit cockblocking Christ?"

Munga wrote:Dario: "Would you quit cockblocking Christ?"

I think there was a comma in there...

Dario: "Would you quit cockblocking, Christ?"



--
peter rogers @ home | http://hujhax.livejournal.com

To become a professional critic, all you really need are some basic writing skills, a mania for meeting deadlines, a general disinterest in making money, and the ability to project the illusion of expertise.
      -- Noel Murray, music critic for The Onion AV Club

hujhax wrote:Dario: "Would you quit cockblocking, Christ?"

You are correct!

From Pgraph's Double Barrel show, Fri 7/24
Best description of Heaven I've heard in a while:

Mephistopheles and a couple of demons are tyring to convince a kind-hearted man that he doesn't want to go to heaven and should stay in hell instead.
Valerie: Heaven is boring. There are only, like, three people up there.
Roy: Really? Who?
Valerie: Well, there's Jesus, obviously. Then there's...oh, what's his name...Herbert Hoover. And Maya Angelou.

"Mom says you can't get pregnant in the mouth."
-rebecca peterson, nice astronaut

Pat: Tron people, people of Tron.

Kevin: I think we can beat them. They can only move in right angles.

"I can't believe you needed the help of The Jews."
Erin Molson, Girls Girls Girls, as someone being finally released from Hell.

"They're some kind of half man... half human."
- Andy Petruzzo during the Hospice Party/CT Mainstage debut show.

Not sure if this qualifies as a line exactly:

Shana Merlin as Shannon McCormick's prisoner tied to a chair spits in his face. Shannon spits right back in her face and says, half to himself and half to the audience, "I don't know why more people don't do that, I mean she's tied up..."

I lost the end of the line because I was laughing too hard.

Hon. mention: Kaci Beeler stalks a wetly flopping Curtis Luciano and sings "I'm Gonna Kill Me a Mermaid".

This whole night was terrific. I could probably think of a dozen lines from this that belong here.

Blanton Museum Get Up/Hideout Players show.

from the 08/13 Threefer:

Asaf, on being bi-curious:
"it's like you have a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast, but you don't live in either"

Snackers, "The Snackers Club":
"maybe I want a man who discovers stuff or studies stuff and not a man who works with things"

unfortunately probably somewhat imprecise reincarnations of those lines

Meghan W wrote:from the 08/13 Threefer:

Asaf, on being bi-curious:
"it's like you have a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast, but you don't live in either"

Actually... quite apt description...

During the Mamet portion of the Two on Two with Dave and Rachel and Troy and Asaf...

(some word that I don't remember came up in an argument, and then...)

Rachel (to Troy): That's a euphemism.

Troy (to Asaf): But you see, that's why-- (to Rachel) That's not a euphemism.

Rachel: What's the difference between a metaphor and a euphemism?

Troy: A metaphor is something that means something else, and a euphemism, it's, it's a thing that, that is something, just said in a different way.

Asaf: What's the difference between Off-Topic and Boring the Shit Out of Me?

So it's not a line so much as a moment or an exchange, but it made me laugh, ok? So I 'm not making any apologies. I'm sorry.