Austin Improv

Jill's character is demonstrating that he has what it takes to date a Youth for Christ leader. Knocks on stagedoor and shouts: "Ding Dong, Jesus!"

--Switch, 1/17/10

January 17, Sturmundrang and Asaf and Jill in Switch.

"Your breath smells like Lunchables"
- Eric to Sarah

"Standing is the new jumping"
- Rebecca

Jeff strolls in front of the stage.
"I'm a passing opportunity"


Jill: "Are you saying my daughter is fat? 'Cause she's obviously thin enough to fall down a well"
Asaf: "But not athletic enough to pull herself out".


"I'm going to sleep for a week. Forward my mail to Dreamland"
-Asaf

"Like a moth to the flame, like a yo-yo to the finger...."
-Jill

Regarding Fifi, a dog who's been exposed to a Christian youth leader:
Jill: "That dog seems genuinely changed"
Asaf: "He won't stop genuflecting"

Madeline wrote:Lower your pants, sir. The whores are in the next room.

My first quote! Oh happy day!

Rebeccadee wrote:Jill's character is demonstrating that he has what it takes to date a Youth for Christ leader. Knocks on stagedoor and shouts: "Ding Dong, Jesus!"

--Switch, 1/17/10

seconded. god, there were so many in the show i tried to remember, but that seems to be the only one that firmly stuck.

to further my earlier theme of "lineless lines," the final moment was pure absurd brilliance.

::Asaf duels Jill in bassoon playing. Jill traces a single tear running down her face. facing defeat, she unzips her body and flies away::


and my two favorite moments from Sturm Und Drang:

(end of a scene in a laundromat filled with random counting)
Kristin: Fuck.
Rebecca: Shit.
Sarah: ...Six?


(the lights flicker on and off randomly in the middle of a scene. Eric and Sarah as brother and sister look confused. Jeff enters)
Jeff: Children, that light means you just learned something!

"I wanted to join the Navy, see the world, kill peo-- learn technology."

- Gene Zhou with Unfurled, Janurary 17th, 2010.

"I saw a raccoon with a can opener!" -- Last line in the show by Zach in The Starter Kit's show on January 31.

"You have an AID. Just one AID"

- Valerie Ward

Austin Secrets show, telling a patient that she didn't quite have AIDS.

Confidence Men: Improvised Mamet played one of our sweetest-ever shows last Saturday for Best of Week at Fronterafest. We were salesmen at a car dealership.

Ceej's character is expounding on how impossible it is to sell a Hyundai:

"I assume they just creep off the lot and find themselves an owner!"

"Karma? That ain't nothing but some Hoo Doo magic."

-Chris Baldenhofer

Playing a Southern Plumber in the 'Baldenholder' show 02/01/10

"Just keep flappin' your lips, you whore-loose cunt."
-Asaf, Confidence Men, Jan 30, Fronterafest

Shana Merlin as the inebriated "Wooki" in Jerzey Shores:

"How does this chair work?"

She put it in one position and sat on the floor next to it, turned it sideways and sat on the floor again and finally turned it upside down and barfed in it.

Priceless.

Random scraps of paper:

"Robot robot robot safari
Robots shouldn't made me made by Atari"

- Eric Heiberg, This Week Tonight, 2/5/10. This was a chant. I don't know the setup but I could hear him when I was in the office and it cracked me up.

"It seems like you're not getting enough torque on that dry-humping"
- Jastroch to Asaf, Hyperlinks, 1/21/10

"You were always such a sweet little ass".
-Kim Roche at the funeral of Captain Donkey, Maestro, 1/30/10

"Hi, my name is Doug and I am going door to door doing gymnastics demonstrations".
- Curtis, Austin Secrets 1/31/10

"We need to get out there and drink where it makes a difference- public schools".
-Troy Miller, 12/18/09, This Week Tonight, playing President Polk as a jackhammer. Yes, you read that right.

Kaci's instructions to Troy, in This Week Tonight:
"Don't fight for real, but acting-wise".

I'm 13, let's get married!

-Girl to Jerry Lee Lewis, ComedySportz saturday Feb 6

"You have to caress her face, and then you slip it in."
-- Theresa Kubos giving dating advice during February sixth's Maestro

"Don't fly an invisible airplane drunk, because if you crash, then nobody will know that you need help." -- Eric Heiburg as Wonder Woman doing stand-up

From Anticdote Debut show 02/06/10

Quinn is playing a sexy jump-roping prostitute. Gary and Evan are both watching her with desire.

Gary suggests they could go in on it together and split the costs.

Evan T Atherton responds, "Yeah. We could go double dutch."