Best Show Lines 2013

[happywaffle]

Damn, you beat me to it. That brought the house down.

Well, since I'm here, I'll share Sam's line when sharing about awesome sex she'd had with Ratliff['s character]:

"It was like he turned into his spirit animal, and his spirit animal turned into a sex maniac, and the sex maniac turned into a blood-thirsty penis."

[wiggies]

"When you look at yourself in the mirror, can you tell what you're thinking?"

-Marcus Hysmith, Dumbasses, The Institution Theater, Feb. 23, 2013

[Katie T.]

I have one! I remembered one!
From Simply D-Vine 2/28/13 Threefer:

Jason Vines is wearing a jacket with fringe hanging down the arms. Deano is dressing him and giving him advice on how to move. The background is basically that he's saying not to move too much and thereby let the fringe float or whatever. You're not Stevie Nicks.

Vines: Everybody loves Stevie Nicks!
Deano: Everybody loves Stevie Nicks. Nobody wants to be Stevie Nicks.

I laughed too long.

[happywaffle]

Unintentional hilarity from Peter Rogers @ the opening night of Strange Worlds:

"I may be commissioner of police, but deep down, I'm still just a beach cop. BEAT cop."

[Ryan Austin]

Unintentional hilarity from Peter Rogers @ the opening night of Strange Worlds:

"I may be commissioner of police, but deep down, I'm still just a beach cop. BEAT cop."

Haha. Loved this so much. He then doubled down and talked about the beaches of Ireland. Beach Cops will never die!

[Mike]

Heidi had a ton of memorable moments during the premiere of Strange Worlds which need to be mentioned:

1) Telling a woman that her Husband/son was murdered - "Your Husband or your son is dead. That's about it."
2) Her detective character disarming Marc's generic henchman, then putting two bullets in the back of his head once he's unarmed and face down on the floor.
and finally....

"That's a fish...no that's a body. No, it's a fish" (Responding to the mass of not only bloated dead fish but bloated human corpses in the bay and nobody being able to tell the difference.

Then during the second half of Strange Worlds:

Andreas: "Do I detect a touch of a Portuguese accent?"

Heidi: "Damn!....... Do I detect a ....DUTCH accent?"

Andreas: "Touche!"

[Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell]

Peter: Have you ever heard the story of The Sun and the Tiger? ::tells lengthy intricate story of the sun and the ruby it shot to Earth with certain mystical properties:: Now, the story of the Tiger...
Andreas: I think I've heard enough!
Peter: Are you sure? It may come in handy later!
Andreas: Yeah, I've got it!

::Andreas exits::

Peter (exiting as lights go out): It's a really good story...

[Brad Hawkins]

"I am the ghost of all the chickens."
- Ceej, Franz & Dave, March 4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcEyMQkZP0s

[ChrisVil]

Been wanting to post some best lines for quite a while now, but I always forget the majority them the next day. But I am happy to say that I got a few lines from last night(March 30th) at the Triple Comedy Troupe Night (Institution Theater).

ALL CAPS: Megan Venable is wearing an old prom attire from her younger years. She is trying to convince Heidi Noelle, her daughter, to go to the prom. During the conversation Heidi states that she is into girls. Just then, Megan starts to have trouble breathing and ask Heidi to unzip her. Heidi slowly and purposely unzips Megan. Megan takes a deep breath.

Megan: I don't care if you're a lesbian, You're a B*tch!

We’re Here to Date your Daughter: Regina Soto is a cheerleader and rival of Jennifer Dorsey's character.

Regina: Don't Pom Pom battle me, you will lose every time!

Jennifer: Me hate you!

Regina: You're so good at cheer-leading because you use incomplete sentences.

iScream Sandwich: Andrew Robinson and Erica Lies are sitting in a chair. Wyatt Tall and Heidi Caldwell are standing behind them. Wyatt is trying to get an STD cure from Andrew. Heidi thinks that Andrew and Erica might be cops. After some discussion between Wyatt and Andrew, Heidi chimes in.

Heidi (paraphrasing): Hey man, what if they're cops.

Wyatt: Shouldn't you be whistling?

Heidi casually whistles while walking away.

[HerrHerr]

"I wouldn't eat the popcorn here."
--Joe Ricks, Pulp Friction (Improvised Tarantino)
4/11 Improvised Play Festival

The characters were in a porno theater.

[Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell]

"You've got reflexes!"
"On one side of my body!"

"It's frothing!"
"My tea has froth?"
"It's chai!"

"Some people are quite uncomfortable when they wake up alive!"

"I'm embarrassed!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm alive!"

"It's like the train and tunnel metaphor."
"What's the train and tunnel metaphor?"
"You know...trains going into tunnels. And that's like being in love!"

-Ten Thousand Million Love Stories
(I was gut/heart laughing too much to remember everything...but these were just a few that stuck. )

[happywaffle]

"Methicillin-resistant staphylococcus. What the fuck?"
--Megan Flynn, quizzing a panel on staph infections. Pie and Ear Show, April 10th.

[happywaffle]

The Tribunal was mostly a painfully intense experience (in a good way), but there were some great laffs in there, e.g.:

*Marc and Jayme are pulling cast members off-stage into the green room one-by-one for interrogation*

"They're shooting them back there!"
"We haven't heard any shots, they're not shooting anybody."
"Maybe they're aiming."

[Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell]

"Eggs don't grow on trees! They fall from chickens!"
-Lauren Buck
The Known Wizards, 04/14/2013

[shando]

Kevin Miller, to me in False Matters in the Threefer, 4/18. I was handing stuff to Courtney.

"Are you giving all your grease diamonds to Fuck?"

Fuck being the name of Courtney's android character.