Best Show Lines 2011

hujhax · Post by **hujhax** » March 6th, 2011, 8:26 pm

Kevin: "Oh my god, it's Captain Pirate!"
-- improv mixer, 3.6.11

--
peter rogers @ home | http://hujhax.livejournal.com

In polite company where fundamentalist or New Age beliefs are expressed with confidence, you have three choices: (1) Silent agreement, (2) eagerness to contribute your own similar finding, or (3) mentally composing a new answering message for your cell phone.
-- Roger Ebert

sara farr · Post by **sara farr** » March 6th, 2011, 10:39 pm

Jayme - I'm being molested by puppets!
Brad - Just let it happen.

PIP in San Antonio (this technically took place before our show).

Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell · March 7th, 2011, 9:17 am

Mike wrote: Jay had just gotten some money out of a safe to pay Jon's character:

Jon: That was good, I didn't hear a thing.

Jay: It's a quiet safe.

i dug the running gag of the "safe" being another performer offstage just taking the money.

almost forgot another one of my favorites...Clinkenbeard was taking Audrey on a date to the state fair. he had to hit the center pin three times to win her the big bear. he hit the first two no problem. then he turned around with his back to the audience.

Jon Clinkenbeard: "Tell me if i miss." ::throws it over the shoulder, wins the bear, gives it to Audrey:: "There. Look how happy you are."

it was the supreme deadpan confidence that sold it for me.

hujhax wrote:Kevin: "Oh my god, it's Captain Pirate!"
-- improv mixer, 3.6.11

--
peter rogers @ home | http://hujhax.livejournal.com

In polite company where fundamentalist or New Age beliefs are expressed with confidence, you have three choices: (1) Silent agreement, (2) eagerness to contribute your own similar finding, or (3) mentally composing a new answering message for your cell phone.
-- Roger Ebert

damn, beat me to it.

another favorite from the Mixer...

Menelaos: How do I know you're my real mother? What was the name you called me in childhood?
Ruby: I called you ::makes unintelligible high pitched warbling noise::
Menelaos: MOM!!!

kbadr · Post by **kbadr** » March 7th, 2011, 12:17 pm

Oh man, "There, look how happy you are" was such a wonderful noir line.

Love this show so much...

Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell · March 7th, 2011, 4:10 pm

also from the Mixer...

Aden: "Dear God...please stop fucking with us."

patdaniels · Post by **patdaniels** » March 11th, 2011, 1:21 pm

Shopping at Victoria's Secret-

"Ooo. The 5th date. That's the one where he...pulls back the veil so to speak" - Brad
"That's what you do when you get married. This is the date where he's going to eat my underwear off." - Ruby W.

While bridesmaid shopping-

"The bride is putting me in salmon. She's in trout. Its a whole fish theme." - Ruby W, Three Hot Chicks

After a horse has been trapped in a NY apartment.

"I know a guy who can get rid of a horse, $500 bucks" - Joel
"That's great news" - Brad
"The horse is dead" - Ruby
{without missing a beat}
"That's gonna be $1000" - Joel

Justin D. · Post by **Justin D.** » March 12th, 2011, 2:01 pm

Pick Your Own Patch show, March 12
Kaci asks a creature named Pillar (Jastroch), who also happens to be a pillar, if he wants to walk across a field with her.

Jastroch's reaction: "You . . . asshole!"

Also, honorable mention goes to Kristin for instead of telling Kaci she had a green thumb, that she had "a finger in her." She then proceeded to make it even more ridiculously innuendo-filled by trying to say everything she could to make it not sexual.

Spaztique · Post by **Spaztique** » March 13th, 2011, 1:10 am

From The Violet Underbelly - March 12

Context: Former criminal mastermind Danny Trew (Marc Majcher) is asked to do one last job, even though he has a safe job as a dockworker. His response (paraphrased until I get the actual quote)...

"Ever been to the lion cages [at the zoo] and watch the lions? Zookeepers will walk right into the cages and feed 'em great big steaks, and the lions won't even attack 'em. Know why? There's no fight left in 'em, being behind bars for so long. They just take the steaks that come to them. Know what happens if they try and eat the zookeepers? They get put down. I just want my steak."

Meghan W · Post by **Meghan W** » March 15th, 2011, 9:23 pm

Spaztique wrote:From The Violet Underbelly - March 12

Context: Former criminal mastermind Danny Trew (Marc Majcher) is asked to do one last job, even though he has a safe job as a dockworker. His response (paraphrased until I get the actual quote)...

"Ever been to the lion cages [at the zoo] and watch the lions? Zookeepers will walk right into the cages and feed 'em great big steaks, and the lions won't even attack 'em. Know why? There's no fight left in 'em, being behind bars for so long. They just take the steaks that come to them. Know what happens if they try and eat the zookeepers? They get put down. I just want my steak."

Oh hells yes! Nice one.

Chuy! · Post by **Chuy!** » March 15th, 2011, 9:46 pm

From Your Dad's Friends' Weekender show 3/13/11 at The Hideout...

Weldon Phillips as The Hamburglar (Testifying at an intervention for a woman he does not know)

"The McRib is back for a limited time... Please go to rehab..."

*sits down while the rest of cast have to pretend they are crying instead of laughing out loud, hard...*

(Is this better, Jordan, you dick...)

Marc Majcher · Post by **Marc Majcher** » March 16th, 2011, 12:09 am

Spaztique wrote:From The Violet Underbelly - March 12

Context: Former criminal mastermind Danny Trew (Marc Majcher) is asked to do one last job, even though he has a safe job as a dockworker. His response (paraphrased until I get the actual quote)...

"Ever been to the lion cages [at the zoo] and watch the lions? ..."

That was "True" in my mind, and I think they were tigers. But yeah. I was totally surprised and delighted with what was said by the time those sounds stopped coming out of the hole in my face, all by themselves.

Kayla Lane · Post by **Kayla Lane** » March 16th, 2011, 6:32 pm

Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell wrote:Jon Clinkenbeard: "Tell me if i miss." ::throws it over the shoulder, wins the bear, gives it to Audrey:: "There. Look how happy you are."

it was the supreme deadpan confidence that sold it for me. Cool

YES. That moment was so great!

Clinkenbeard is the KING of supreme deadpan confidence

Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell · March 16th, 2011, 8:03 pm

Kayla wrote:Clinkenbeard is the KING of supreme deadpan confidence

if Clink were a book, this should be on his back cover.

Spaztique · Post by **Spaztique** » March 25th, 2011, 2:09 am

From Austin Secrets, 3/24/11:

Valerie: I'm hungry. Would you like some pudding?

It needs no context...

(If you really want to know, Valerie plays a mom who puts sleeping medicine in her kids' pudding to make them sleep early. She is then sent to a parent/teacher conference, and then she tries to get the teacher to eat the pudding with the above line.)

Rev. Jordan T. Maxwell · March 25th, 2011, 8:55 am

from the same show...

Kaci: Hey sexy lady, come sit on my lap like the Christmas man!