by diamond9 » September 12th, 2012, 5:22 pm
Jesse… we’ve never met, but I am new to the improv community. (Taking Level 2 at Institution.) I was really inspired by your post. I have been meaning to share my “story” for the same reasons and wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do until I read this post. There are those that say being that open about such stuff is “TMI” or oversharing or best left private. And I say, share your story. Not to perpetuate being a victim but to rise up against shame and the false belief that abuse is the victim’s fault.
What I am about to share is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM meant for sympathy or one-upmanship (ha), manipulation or anything other than sharing that I am here for others as well and have overcome (and still am overcoming) some intense garbage, trust issues, etc. and know it IS possible to see light on the other side.
A few months ago, I cut my parents and my one sister out of my life for a season due to emotional abuse and manipulation. My whole life story would take pages and pages to explain the myriad ways I have experienced emotional neglect and abuse plus physical abuse and trauma. I will say that I grew up in an overly strict and cultish type of religion. We were encouraged to separate ourselves from the outside world and didn’t celebrate holidays such as Christmas nor birthdays. We were taught that our life is nothing on this earth and all that mattered was following the church. They gave most of their income to the church which left us pretty poor and barely surviving financially. Life at home was harsh and there were no “Daddie’s little girls”. The first time my Dad told me he loved me was when I was 16 and he was afraid that Mom was going to leave him and he would be alone. I learned to be the “star child” to keep myself in their good graces (was the star in all the school plays, top 10% of my graduating class, yadda yadda.) Needless to say, I don’t follow their religion now.
At one time, my dad beat my legs black and blue because they were fighting and I was trying to get them to stop. On top of the emotional and physical abuse and neglect from my parents, I also went through being molested by my Uncle when I was 11, my first sexual experience as a teenager was a date rape and several years ago I was sexually assaulted at knifepoint on the sidewalk in front of my apartment and told that if I called the police, he knew where I lived and would come back to kill me. (I never saw his face. Of course I called the police but never stayed at that apartment again.) I literally wouldn’t go out at night for a year after that and started taking martial arts for a while. I was a size 4 at the time. To “hide myself” after all of this abuse, I subconsciously decided it wasn’t safe to be thin so I started slowly putting on weight until I reached 225 pounds. I am only 5’1” tall, so I was roly-poly! I have lost a lot of the weight as I work through all of this muck in therapy and still have a lot to lose, but I’m working on getting ME back.
I didn’t tell my parents about the date rape as a teen because I would have heard that it was my fault for being in that situation and that they were ashamed of me for what happened. I did tell my parents as an adult about my uncle, and my mother told me she was angry with me for bringing it up, that I had no right to talk about it and it should stay in the past.
And this isn’t even all of my story. I won't share any more of it because you are probably thinking "GEEZE. what a downer!" and this all seems, well, depressing, right? You may think I am just an emotional mess and may not want to be around me after hearing all of this. Well, let me tell you this. Yes, I have some trust issues that arise from time-to-time and get uncomfortable in certain social situations. I sometimes won’t go to unfamiliar neighborhoods or places by myself if memories invade and I feel uncomfortable. But through it all I learned what STRENGTH I have. I am learning to draw boundaries and to stand tall. I know I can get through ANYTHING and come out on the other side and still be able to be a goofball and enjoy life and believe in the power and magic of Love to heal. I am still working through some stuff, but I had a breakthrough realization a month ago in therapy that considering everything I have been through in my life, I am pretty damned well adjusted and did great getting through all of this totally on my own with no help from family or friends along the way. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. I am going to stand tall after sharing this with you. I am also not going to obsess over what I wrote or I will never hit send! No need to act weird around me if you meet me. : )
So I am here as well if anyone needs to share or talk.
I don't want to post my email here, but send me yours if you want to be in touch in private.
Last edited by
diamond9 on September 12th, 2012, 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.